Introduction

Finding my voice

Wait, you're from Staten Island?

You're gonna need stitches

I become a commuter at age fourteen

Sports for nerds

What is Harvard like?

Fools in a castle

Why I love my Mom

To Russia with love

I leave Staten Island and immediately get a job back on Staten Island

I apply to every TV show in America

Being a staff writer at SNL was the most fun I'll ever have in my life

Oops, I fell asleep in a graveyard

Top banana

Okay, so maybe I've shit my pants a couple times

Night school

Hand job

SNL sketchbook

Weekend Update, part I: Am I destroying a beloved franchise?

Weekend Update, interlude: Am I still doing Weekend Update?

Weekend Update, part II: Figuring shit out

The time Jimmy Buffett saved my life (and I don't just mean with his music)

SNL FAQs

And your host... Donald Trump!

The chapter about alcohol and drugs

My visit to Google

Notes from the censor

Worst Emmys ever

Tomato, potato

The time I fought in WrestleMania (and almost won)

Eggs in my legs

Epilogue: Leaving home.